Last night I caught First Wives Club on TV. It reminded me that I LOVE "friend flix". There's a new genra called "Bromance" about guy friendships -- but there's a tried and true list of women-friend films that I love:
1. The Women (the 1930's original is the best, but the 2000's remake isn't THAT bad)
2. Boys on the Side
3. First Wives Club
4. Witches of Eastwick
5. To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar*
*OK, so that one is actually men in drag, artfully played by Patrick Swaze, Wesley Snipes and John Leguizamo -- but they're better women than most women. Plus Robin Williams has a hysterical cameo as John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmitt, which is worth the price of admission.
We. Need. Friends. That's just reality.
Last night I dreamed that we moved back to California, and the biggest thing on my mind was that I was going to have to make all new friends. Moving is hard! How do you make new friends after you've moved to a new place?
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
Chernobyl
This morning, my daughter told me that she has realized that our entire nuclear family "has no friends". She said, "we're like Chernobyl -- everyone turns their back on us."
Now, I don't see this as true, because I DO have friends, and so does my husband, and so does my daughter! But her narrow definition of "friend" right now is pretty clear: a Friend is someone you hang out with, go shopping or to the movies with, etc. OK, so that's not something I do all that much.
I do miss having a lot of good friends, I will admit it. Even though I can sit here and think of several people I'd consider to be friends -- not a one of them is what you might call an Inner Circle friend -- someone you'd call in a crisis.
So, here I am at the library on a Friday afternoon, taking a little much-needed downtime. A Personal Day, aka a mental health day. Although, I've spent half the day working on a project for work, at least I've been at the library, and feeling like my time is my own.
I went to look up "how to make friends" and see what books might appear. The library search brought up 561 titles. Of those, about 555 were for "tots or teens". It seems that children are the only ones who need to make friends!
Isn't that strange? Because when I was a kid, it seemed so EASY to make a new friend -- you never thought twice about it, because you always had to make friends with new kids at school, and classes would change every September... so you always had a chance and an excuse to get to know kids. Birthday parties, school events, sports teams... all that stuff made it easy to make friends.
But now?
What happens when you're a full-on adult and you want to connect with people who might share the same interests as you?
It ain't easy.
As adults, we're trained to be guarded, to keep to ourselves, to be reserved. At my job, it's an unwritten rule -- but I know it's frowned upon to "make friends" with work-related contacts. Cannot be friends with subordinates or superiors; peers are all working too hard to have the time... vendors? Not appropriate. Contacts at other similar companies? Cannot share with them. So, who do you end up talking to?
I have not entertained at our home since we moved to Colorado. (OK, we've had the daughter and her boyfriend over, and there have been a couple of teen sleepovers -- but zero dinner parties, zero BBQ's). In my new home, I have a lovely living room that has seen only a single visitor, for two hours. The thought of inviting people over to ... SEE... HOW... WE... LIVE freaks out my husband. And we're not freaks living in a trash heap! The house is tidy, orderly, neat, and well-decorated (if I do say so myself). I take pride in how I arrange the artwork, the furnishings; I change up the decor frequently so it's fresh, liberal use of grace notes such as fresh flowers and plants, candles... the house is NICE. But, the furniture all comes to us second-hand, and as my daughters always lament, "nothing matches." So what? Who CARES about being all Ethan Allen-matchy-matchy. I HATE that Drexel Heritage-Furniture-Row-I'm-a-suburban-clone look.
But, the house itself is NO reason to prevent people from coming to our house.
So what is it?
Fear.
What are we afraid of?
People! Isn't that silly?
I know Marty always feels that people will see the older carpeting, and "Judge Us". We've got 200 lbs of dogflesh on the hoof and a bevvy of cats -- yes, the stupidest thing to have is light beige carpeting, and that's what we have. But... it's just... STUFF.
I don't care about that. My problem is that I've just lost the knack of... inviting people over.
I have forgotten how to entertain.
While at the library today, I picked up a book on "Guest Rooms" -- how to entertain overnight guests. I have had no overnight guests since arriving in Colorado -- though my daughter has. And they've all, to a person, been AWFUL lazy, self-centered guests -- left trails of Messes, dirty dishes and broken stuff behind them.
When I was a kid, we used to go stay with my mom's friends very often -- and they'd come to visit us. And it was ALWAYS fun. I knew to make the bed, do the dishes, keep things tidy, say please and thank you... grace notes.
I'm lonely and I am rusty at friendship.
Can I be the ONLY woman in Denver who feels this way???
Now, I don't see this as true, because I DO have friends, and so does my husband, and so does my daughter! But her narrow definition of "friend" right now is pretty clear: a Friend is someone you hang out with, go shopping or to the movies with, etc. OK, so that's not something I do all that much.
I do miss having a lot of good friends, I will admit it. Even though I can sit here and think of several people I'd consider to be friends -- not a one of them is what you might call an Inner Circle friend -- someone you'd call in a crisis.
So, here I am at the library on a Friday afternoon, taking a little much-needed downtime. A Personal Day, aka a mental health day. Although, I've spent half the day working on a project for work, at least I've been at the library, and feeling like my time is my own.
I went to look up "how to make friends" and see what books might appear. The library search brought up 561 titles. Of those, about 555 were for "tots or teens". It seems that children are the only ones who need to make friends!
Isn't that strange? Because when I was a kid, it seemed so EASY to make a new friend -- you never thought twice about it, because you always had to make friends with new kids at school, and classes would change every September... so you always had a chance and an excuse to get to know kids. Birthday parties, school events, sports teams... all that stuff made it easy to make friends.
But now?
What happens when you're a full-on adult and you want to connect with people who might share the same interests as you?
It ain't easy.
As adults, we're trained to be guarded, to keep to ourselves, to be reserved. At my job, it's an unwritten rule -- but I know it's frowned upon to "make friends" with work-related contacts. Cannot be friends with subordinates or superiors; peers are all working too hard to have the time... vendors? Not appropriate. Contacts at other similar companies? Cannot share with them. So, who do you end up talking to?
I have not entertained at our home since we moved to Colorado. (OK, we've had the daughter and her boyfriend over, and there have been a couple of teen sleepovers -- but zero dinner parties, zero BBQ's). In my new home, I have a lovely living room that has seen only a single visitor, for two hours. The thought of inviting people over to ... SEE... HOW... WE... LIVE freaks out my husband. And we're not freaks living in a trash heap! The house is tidy, orderly, neat, and well-decorated (if I do say so myself). I take pride in how I arrange the artwork, the furnishings; I change up the decor frequently so it's fresh, liberal use of grace notes such as fresh flowers and plants, candles... the house is NICE. But, the furniture all comes to us second-hand, and as my daughters always lament, "nothing matches." So what? Who CARES about being all Ethan Allen-matchy-matchy. I HATE that Drexel Heritage-Furniture-Row-I'm-a-suburban-clone look.
But, the house itself is NO reason to prevent people from coming to our house.
So what is it?
Fear.
What are we afraid of?
People! Isn't that silly?
I know Marty always feels that people will see the older carpeting, and "Judge Us". We've got 200 lbs of dogflesh on the hoof and a bevvy of cats -- yes, the stupidest thing to have is light beige carpeting, and that's what we have. But... it's just... STUFF.
I don't care about that. My problem is that I've just lost the knack of... inviting people over.
I have forgotten how to entertain.
While at the library today, I picked up a book on "Guest Rooms" -- how to entertain overnight guests. I have had no overnight guests since arriving in Colorado -- though my daughter has. And they've all, to a person, been AWFUL lazy, self-centered guests -- left trails of Messes, dirty dishes and broken stuff behind them.
When I was a kid, we used to go stay with my mom's friends very often -- and they'd come to visit us. And it was ALWAYS fun. I knew to make the bed, do the dishes, keep things tidy, say please and thank you... grace notes.
I'm lonely and I am rusty at friendship.
Can I be the ONLY woman in Denver who feels this way???
Monday, March 16, 2009
"Friend" Means Just That -- Not a Euphemism for Friction-Pal
Arrgh. The more I dig around on Google, the more frustrated I get with what I find.
Seems that if you are a grown-up and you're trying to figure out how to make friends, that can ONLY mean that you want to friction up against some stranger of the same or opposite sex. No, I was honestly thinking more like "visit the museum together and talk about the paintings" or stuff like that. Not between the sheets.
Sheesh! Frustrating.
How do you just make a simple friend, like you had when you were nine? When it was totally expected that you'd do stuff together after school or on the weekend? You'd have dinner at each others' houses, just hang together... you know, friends.
Seems that if you are a grown-up and you're trying to figure out how to make friends, that can ONLY mean that you want to friction up against some stranger of the same or opposite sex. No, I was honestly thinking more like "visit the museum together and talk about the paintings" or stuff like that. Not between the sheets.
Sheesh! Frustrating.
How do you just make a simple friend, like you had when you were nine? When it was totally expected that you'd do stuff together after school or on the weekend? You'd have dinner at each others' houses, just hang together... you know, friends.
Do you need a flippin METHOD to make friends????
I found this:
“It can be hard for adults to form new friendships because we’re too concerned with ourselves and what others think of us. We also fear change,” says Hale Dwoskin, CEO and director of training of Sedona Training Associates.
“Both of these “adult” reactions are simply feelings that can be easily released with The Sedona Method. As you let go of these and other feelings that are standing in your way, you will find yourself more at ease and will easily be able to win friends and influence people,” he says.
The scientifically proven Sedona Method shows you how to tap your natural ability to let go of negative thought or communication patterns that may be keeping you from establishing meaningful adult friendships. Once you let go, you’ll find you are able to communicate more effectively and easily take action toward meeting new people.
What the hell??!?! I cannot make friends unless I learn the Sedona Method?!?!?! What sort of snakeoil BS is that?
THAT is a perfect example of why grown-ups have such a hard time making new friends -- because we've been cowed into thinking we need a "Method" in order to accomplish anything worthwhile (that'll be $10,000 please).
Eeesh. Go be a Scientologist, if that floats your boat.
(OK, maybe Lesson #1 for making friends is, stop ragging on the stupid stuff you find in life.)
“It can be hard for adults to form new friendships because we’re too concerned with ourselves and what others think of us. We also fear change,” says Hale Dwoskin, CEO and director of training of Sedona Training Associates.
“Both of these “adult” reactions are simply feelings that can be easily released with The Sedona Method. As you let go of these and other feelings that are standing in your way, you will find yourself more at ease and will easily be able to win friends and influence people,” he says.
The scientifically proven Sedona Method shows you how to tap your natural ability to let go of negative thought or communication patterns that may be keeping you from establishing meaningful adult friendships. Once you let go, you’ll find you are able to communicate more effectively and easily take action toward meeting new people.
What the hell??!?! I cannot make friends unless I learn the Sedona Method?!?!?! What sort of snakeoil BS is that?
THAT is a perfect example of why grown-ups have such a hard time making new friends -- because we've been cowed into thinking we need a "Method" in order to accomplish anything worthwhile (that'll be $10,000 please).
Eeesh. Go be a Scientologist, if that floats your boat.
(OK, maybe Lesson #1 for making friends is, stop ragging on the stupid stuff you find in life.)
What to Do, Exactly?
So I spent maybe 35 minutes doing some random Google follows, just to see where different search terms would lead me... "how to make friends" "making new friends" "friends as an adult" etc.
Most people seem to be quite focused on navel-gazing, the "know thyself before you know anyone else" sort of philosophy.
I just want to get right to the how-to stuff. I want to have a party that doesn't suck. I used to be really good at that, it was effortless, but for whatever reason the thought makes me scared now. NEUROSIS, can you say that?
I came across this Canadian guy's site, that's full of Google ads for "panic attacks" and "asperger syndrome" and "how not to be shy" -- I have NEVER been accused of being shy, I've never felt shy. I just don't grasp the actual process of being a friend, and having people be a friend back. It seems so weird!
I know plenty of people who HAVE friends. I just don't know how to "do it".
I wonder if people who are either forever-virgins, or who haven't dated in like 20 years, have this same sort of feeling about sex? "I know I really like it, but I don't remember how to get it..."???
Strange. But honest.
So, what does one DO, exactly, to start building a friendship?
Most people seem to be quite focused on navel-gazing, the "know thyself before you know anyone else" sort of philosophy.
I just want to get right to the how-to stuff. I want to have a party that doesn't suck. I used to be really good at that, it was effortless, but for whatever reason the thought makes me scared now. NEUROSIS, can you say that?
I came across this Canadian guy's site, that's full of Google ads for "panic attacks" and "asperger syndrome" and "how not to be shy" -- I have NEVER been accused of being shy, I've never felt shy. I just don't grasp the actual process of being a friend, and having people be a friend back. It seems so weird!
I know plenty of people who HAVE friends. I just don't know how to "do it".
I wonder if people who are either forever-virgins, or who haven't dated in like 20 years, have this same sort of feeling about sex? "I know I really like it, but I don't remember how to get it..."???
Strange. But honest.
So, what does one DO, exactly, to start building a friendship?
Taking Stock: Who Counts as a Friend?
Who really counts as a "friend"? What's the definition of "friend"?
a person you know well and regard with affection and trust; "he was my best friend at the university"
ally: an associate who provides cooperation or assistance; "he's a good ally in fight"
acquaintance: a person with whom you are acquainted; "I have trouble remembering the names of all my acquaintances"; "we are friends of the family"
supporter: a person who backs a politician or a team etc.; "all their supporters came out for the game"; "they are friends of the library"
Wikipedia has a whole entry on friendship.
To me, that first definition resonates: A person you know well and regard with affection and trust". Affection and trust.
So, for me right now, who fits into that category?
Affection -- I feel affection for a number of different people. Trust, though... aha, there's the rub. Trust doesn't come easily to me.
I guess an even more practical definition of "friend" for me would include spending time together.
A friend is someone:
That you can call on the phone early in the morning, or late at night -- and they'll see your number and pick up.
You can call on short notice and figure out something to do together, because they were thinking about it, about the same time, too.
You can spend time with and not need to continually talk.
You can go to a pool or spa with, and not get all tense about having more exposed skin than you would in the office.
who, when they have something stuck between their teeth, you'll tell them. And vice-versa.
Who will spend a Saturday afternoon helping you go through your closet, telling you which outfits look good, and which don't.
Who will pick up your kids or watch your dog if you need help.
Who will be there when you need ANY sort of help.
You can cry with just as easily as laugh with.
You can be honest with, and share your fears ass much as you can share your bravery.
Who likes you for who you really are, and vice-versa.
There's a lot more, but this is a start.
Who are friends? How do you make friends?
a person you know well and regard with affection and trust; "he was my best friend at the university"
ally: an associate who provides cooperation or assistance; "he's a good ally in fight"
acquaintance: a person with whom you are acquainted; "I have trouble remembering the names of all my acquaintances"; "we are friends of the family"
supporter: a person who backs a politician or a team etc.; "all their supporters came out for the game"; "they are friends of the library"
Wikipedia has a whole entry on friendship.
To me, that first definition resonates: A person you know well and regard with affection and trust". Affection and trust.
So, for me right now, who fits into that category?
Affection -- I feel affection for a number of different people. Trust, though... aha, there's the rub. Trust doesn't come easily to me.
I guess an even more practical definition of "friend" for me would include spending time together.
A friend is someone:
That you can call on the phone early in the morning, or late at night -- and they'll see your number and pick up.
You can call on short notice and figure out something to do together, because they were thinking about it, about the same time, too.
You can spend time with and not need to continually talk.
You can go to a pool or spa with, and not get all tense about having more exposed skin than you would in the office.
who, when they have something stuck between their teeth, you'll tell them. And vice-versa.
Who will spend a Saturday afternoon helping you go through your closet, telling you which outfits look good, and which don't.
Who will pick up your kids or watch your dog if you need help.
Who will be there when you need ANY sort of help.
You can cry with just as easily as laugh with.
You can be honest with, and share your fears ass much as you can share your bravery.
Who likes you for who you really are, and vice-versa.
There's a lot more, but this is a start.
Who are friends? How do you make friends?
The Reason for This Blog
It is Monday, March 16, 2009, and I have no friends. That's the essential reason for this blog. Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day. By St. Partick's Day 2010, not only do I want to have some real, live, friends that I care about and spend time with -- but I want to find ways to help other people like me to figure out how to make friends once you're an official grown-up.
That's the goal -- friends for me, and friends for thee. Everyone deserves friends.
That's the goal -- friends for me, and friends for thee. Everyone deserves friends.
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