Arrgh. The more I dig around on Google, the more frustrated I get with what I find.
Seems that if you are a grown-up and you're trying to figure out how to make friends, that can ONLY mean that you want to friction up against some stranger of the same or opposite sex. No, I was honestly thinking more like "visit the museum together and talk about the paintings" or stuff like that. Not between the sheets.
Sheesh! Frustrating.
How do you just make a simple friend, like you had when you were nine? When it was totally expected that you'd do stuff together after school or on the weekend? You'd have dinner at each others' houses, just hang together... you know, friends.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Do you need a flippin METHOD to make friends????
I found this:
“It can be hard for adults to form new friendships because we’re too concerned with ourselves and what others think of us. We also fear change,” says Hale Dwoskin, CEO and director of training of Sedona Training Associates.
“Both of these “adult” reactions are simply feelings that can be easily released with The Sedona Method. As you let go of these and other feelings that are standing in your way, you will find yourself more at ease and will easily be able to win friends and influence people,” he says.
The scientifically proven Sedona Method shows you how to tap your natural ability to let go of negative thought or communication patterns that may be keeping you from establishing meaningful adult friendships. Once you let go, you’ll find you are able to communicate more effectively and easily take action toward meeting new people.
What the hell??!?! I cannot make friends unless I learn the Sedona Method?!?!?! What sort of snakeoil BS is that?
THAT is a perfect example of why grown-ups have such a hard time making new friends -- because we've been cowed into thinking we need a "Method" in order to accomplish anything worthwhile (that'll be $10,000 please).
Eeesh. Go be a Scientologist, if that floats your boat.
(OK, maybe Lesson #1 for making friends is, stop ragging on the stupid stuff you find in life.)
“It can be hard for adults to form new friendships because we’re too concerned with ourselves and what others think of us. We also fear change,” says Hale Dwoskin, CEO and director of training of Sedona Training Associates.
“Both of these “adult” reactions are simply feelings that can be easily released with The Sedona Method. As you let go of these and other feelings that are standing in your way, you will find yourself more at ease and will easily be able to win friends and influence people,” he says.
The scientifically proven Sedona Method shows you how to tap your natural ability to let go of negative thought or communication patterns that may be keeping you from establishing meaningful adult friendships. Once you let go, you’ll find you are able to communicate more effectively and easily take action toward meeting new people.
What the hell??!?! I cannot make friends unless I learn the Sedona Method?!?!?! What sort of snakeoil BS is that?
THAT is a perfect example of why grown-ups have such a hard time making new friends -- because we've been cowed into thinking we need a "Method" in order to accomplish anything worthwhile (that'll be $10,000 please).
Eeesh. Go be a Scientologist, if that floats your boat.
(OK, maybe Lesson #1 for making friends is, stop ragging on the stupid stuff you find in life.)
What to Do, Exactly?
So I spent maybe 35 minutes doing some random Google follows, just to see where different search terms would lead me... "how to make friends" "making new friends" "friends as an adult" etc.
Most people seem to be quite focused on navel-gazing, the "know thyself before you know anyone else" sort of philosophy.
I just want to get right to the how-to stuff. I want to have a party that doesn't suck. I used to be really good at that, it was effortless, but for whatever reason the thought makes me scared now. NEUROSIS, can you say that?
I came across this Canadian guy's site, that's full of Google ads for "panic attacks" and "asperger syndrome" and "how not to be shy" -- I have NEVER been accused of being shy, I've never felt shy. I just don't grasp the actual process of being a friend, and having people be a friend back. It seems so weird!
I know plenty of people who HAVE friends. I just don't know how to "do it".
I wonder if people who are either forever-virgins, or who haven't dated in like 20 years, have this same sort of feeling about sex? "I know I really like it, but I don't remember how to get it..."???
Strange. But honest.
So, what does one DO, exactly, to start building a friendship?
Most people seem to be quite focused on navel-gazing, the "know thyself before you know anyone else" sort of philosophy.
I just want to get right to the how-to stuff. I want to have a party that doesn't suck. I used to be really good at that, it was effortless, but for whatever reason the thought makes me scared now. NEUROSIS, can you say that?
I came across this Canadian guy's site, that's full of Google ads for "panic attacks" and "asperger syndrome" and "how not to be shy" -- I have NEVER been accused of being shy, I've never felt shy. I just don't grasp the actual process of being a friend, and having people be a friend back. It seems so weird!
I know plenty of people who HAVE friends. I just don't know how to "do it".
I wonder if people who are either forever-virgins, or who haven't dated in like 20 years, have this same sort of feeling about sex? "I know I really like it, but I don't remember how to get it..."???
Strange. But honest.
So, what does one DO, exactly, to start building a friendship?
Taking Stock: Who Counts as a Friend?
Who really counts as a "friend"? What's the definition of "friend"?
a person you know well and regard with affection and trust; "he was my best friend at the university"
ally: an associate who provides cooperation or assistance; "he's a good ally in fight"
acquaintance: a person with whom you are acquainted; "I have trouble remembering the names of all my acquaintances"; "we are friends of the family"
supporter: a person who backs a politician or a team etc.; "all their supporters came out for the game"; "they are friends of the library"
Wikipedia has a whole entry on friendship.
To me, that first definition resonates: A person you know well and regard with affection and trust". Affection and trust.
So, for me right now, who fits into that category?
Affection -- I feel affection for a number of different people. Trust, though... aha, there's the rub. Trust doesn't come easily to me.
I guess an even more practical definition of "friend" for me would include spending time together.
A friend is someone:
That you can call on the phone early in the morning, or late at night -- and they'll see your number and pick up.
You can call on short notice and figure out something to do together, because they were thinking about it, about the same time, too.
You can spend time with and not need to continually talk.
You can go to a pool or spa with, and not get all tense about having more exposed skin than you would in the office.
who, when they have something stuck between their teeth, you'll tell them. And vice-versa.
Who will spend a Saturday afternoon helping you go through your closet, telling you which outfits look good, and which don't.
Who will pick up your kids or watch your dog if you need help.
Who will be there when you need ANY sort of help.
You can cry with just as easily as laugh with.
You can be honest with, and share your fears ass much as you can share your bravery.
Who likes you for who you really are, and vice-versa.
There's a lot more, but this is a start.
Who are friends? How do you make friends?
a person you know well and regard with affection and trust; "he was my best friend at the university"
ally: an associate who provides cooperation or assistance; "he's a good ally in fight"
acquaintance: a person with whom you are acquainted; "I have trouble remembering the names of all my acquaintances"; "we are friends of the family"
supporter: a person who backs a politician or a team etc.; "all their supporters came out for the game"; "they are friends of the library"
Wikipedia has a whole entry on friendship.
To me, that first definition resonates: A person you know well and regard with affection and trust". Affection and trust.
So, for me right now, who fits into that category?
Affection -- I feel affection for a number of different people. Trust, though... aha, there's the rub. Trust doesn't come easily to me.
I guess an even more practical definition of "friend" for me would include spending time together.
A friend is someone:
That you can call on the phone early in the morning, or late at night -- and they'll see your number and pick up.
You can call on short notice and figure out something to do together, because they were thinking about it, about the same time, too.
You can spend time with and not need to continually talk.
You can go to a pool or spa with, and not get all tense about having more exposed skin than you would in the office.
who, when they have something stuck between their teeth, you'll tell them. And vice-versa.
Who will spend a Saturday afternoon helping you go through your closet, telling you which outfits look good, and which don't.
Who will pick up your kids or watch your dog if you need help.
Who will be there when you need ANY sort of help.
You can cry with just as easily as laugh with.
You can be honest with, and share your fears ass much as you can share your bravery.
Who likes you for who you really are, and vice-versa.
There's a lot more, but this is a start.
Who are friends? How do you make friends?
The Reason for This Blog
It is Monday, March 16, 2009, and I have no friends. That's the essential reason for this blog. Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day. By St. Partick's Day 2010, not only do I want to have some real, live, friends that I care about and spend time with -- but I want to find ways to help other people like me to figure out how to make friends once you're an official grown-up.
That's the goal -- friends for me, and friends for thee. Everyone deserves friends.
That's the goal -- friends for me, and friends for thee. Everyone deserves friends.
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